enter the bizarre realm of katy's mind

Wow, 35 weeks since I've written. I really am going to try to update more. I just totally failed a Statistics test. I got to one question and totally forgot how to do it. It was like I just blanked out. So I think I'll go to the statistics tutor after I get it back and have her help me with it. I HATE statistics!! It's such a pointless class for what I'm planning to do with my life. I mean, really, why the hell am I going to need statistics as a minister? There's absolutely no point to my learning it! But I have to have it as a psych minor. I just hope that the professor doesn't think that I didn't study for it because I did. I just didn't focus enough on one chapter. I suppose it didn't help that I missed class on the day we went over it either. I really have to get out of that. Missing class, that is. I just have days when I totally can't get out of bed. But I have to work past that, try harder. I can't miss any more classes this semester, my grades'll start dropping. Plus it REALLY doesn't help to miss statistics, I'm gonna get so left behind. I really don't want to go to choir, I'm so tired and my head hurts. But once again there's that whole missing class thing. I'm just gonna go and I'll take a nap after. Got Voice tonight too. Busy, busy!! Plus I'd really like to go swim tonight. Get some exercise in. It's good for me! Anyway, I gotta go to choir now. Later!!

I HATE BEING SICK!! This proves that even when the food at SAPC is good, it's still bad. Last night we had this special dinner for Martin Luther King, Jr.'s birthday. Chicken, roast beef, portobello mushrooms, cheesecake with chocolate sauce...it was totally awesome. However, after dinner I proceeded to throw up 4 times last night. My stomach hurts and I feel like CRAP! Screw St. Andrews food!!!

OK, so now I'm required to keep a journal for Psych class. I figured as long as I'm keeping it I may as well keep it here too. Our first class was last night. (I'm taking Counseling Psychology) It was pretty intense. As part of introductions our Prof asked us why we're taking the course. Not being shy, I revealed that I have quite a few experiences with the mental health system. I have a feeling that I'll be sharing more experiences as the semester goes on, which is perfectly fine with me. I enjoy using the worst parts of my life to help others through theirs.

We signed a confidentiality statement - we're gonna be doing a lot of role plays and what's said in class stays in class. Of course after that we talked about the confidentiality issue when people threaten to hurt/kill themselves or others. We talked about specific instances - that's when it got tense. I just said to take them straight to the ER - that's what worked for me personally. I've known a lot of people in hospitals I've been in with those problems.

See, that's why I want to help people. I know how mental problems can destroy your life. There have been so many extraordinary people in my life - doctors, counselers, ministers, nurses, etc. - who have helped me keep going. I want to be one of those people.

So tomorrow's my last day of break, I leave for school on Monday. I've moved passed nervous to freakin' terrified!! As Maria reminded me, this is my first time taking two consecutive semesters at St. Andrews. I mean, I know I haven't exactly finished last semester yet, but I'm working on it!! I am looking forward to getting back to my friends through. See who we've got in the suite this semester!! I'm excited about classes beginning too. I'm just freaking a bit over my memory, which has gotten worse over the period I was having my ECT treatments (Electro-shock therapy, for those who don't know) once/week. Luckily I moving back towards 3 weeks again. Yay!! Anywho, keep your prayers going for me as I head back to the academic world!!

Wow. 2007. I can hardly believe it. In one year I'll be attending my 10-year high school reunion. In 1 month and 19 days I'll be 27. And in 11 days I'll be returning to college. That's definately what's freaking me out the most.

I don't want to put it off any longer. I'm tired of putting it off. I just want to get through school and be done with it! People ask me what I plan to do after school, and I can't even think that far ahead. I just want to graduate!! I know that I can do it, I know that I can get there. I just don't know that I can do it in the time period that I am so hoping for. I want to graduate in 2008. But can I get through in time?

I know I'm still manic. That's not hard to tell. My difficulty concentrating on my make-up finals the past few days proves that. However, it has just been the past few days. Maybe it's stretching the ECT to 2 weeks apart, I don't know. But they have to stay that far or even move farther, cause missing class every Friday is not gonna cut it. I'm just really worried about this, and right now my head is spinning. Stop the world, I want to get off.

Whatever happens, it's not gonna stop me from going back. On January 10 I will be sitting in that class room. Nothing's gonna stop me from doing that. I just want to get through a semester of college. Is that too much to ask? Just one semester. Please.

We had our family Christmas this morning since Leene (my sister) is spending her Christmas with her boyfriend in Maine. I got lots of neat stuff, including the DVDs of Stargate SG-1 Season 9, which is what I really wanted. My parents also got me a new Brita filter (which I needed at school), a Weight Watchers kit (my mom's HUGE into Weight Watchers), a Christmas CD made by a friend of the family, 2 books, and a stocking which I have not yet opened. Also 2 tank tops and a t-shirt from my sister, a new wallet from my aunt & uncle, and $100 from my Grandma. I received the Cinderella ultimate DVD and a collector's plate from Trisha and a picture frame and snow globe from Maria too. Pretty nifty.

I've been feeling a bit depressed these past few days, looking back at the past year. Yes, I know I've come a long way. Hell, I barely remember Christmas last year. But I still have yet to successfully complete a semester at school. All I want to do is get through one semester, is that really too much to ask? When I look back I feel like I took the easy way out, even though I know that's not true. I didn't have any other choice than to take an incomplete - I needed the time for treatment and recovery, and staying in school while I was doing ECT once/week would just be stupid. But I still hate that that's what I had to do.

But I'm going to try not to think about that right now. I'm going to try to get some sleep so that I'm all rested and beautiful for church tomorrow, and Christmas dinner at Gram's. Should be fun!! Night all.

Well, I promised my best friend that I'd write in LJ more often, and I plan on actually attempting to do so. I've never been much good at writing in journals, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting here watching "It's a Wonderful Life" and thinking about my life. There are so many wishes I have for Christmas, and very few of them are material things. The biggest one - I just want to finish one semester of college. I'm working on my 3rd year at Saint Andrews, and I've actually completed one semester. I just keep thinking: How the hell am I gonna get through life like this? How am I gonna hold down a job if I keep having to take off to get treatment? What kind of employer is going to put up with that bullshit?

I know I just have to take it one day at a time but sometimes I just get so frustrated!! My memory is bad enough without ECT messing with it, especially with doing it once a week. On top of that, I can't go back to school until treatments are spread out again. That means I've got a month to spread them out to at least 2 weeks apart. I really, really hope I can do that. Really, really, really, really!!!

That's my Christmas wish. To go back to school in January and successfully complete a semester. To keep a handle on my therapy and my ECT and be able to work them into my life and still HAVE a life. I really don't think that's too much to ask.

It's 3 am and I can't sleep, so I'm just putzing (is that even a word?) around online. I decided that I would put one of my favorite poems up here, and then my head's back on the pillow and I'm trying to sleep again. So here goes, enjoy. This has helped me through quite a few tough days.

What God Has Promised
God has not promised skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways, all our lives through.
God has not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.

But God has promised strength for the day,
Rest for the laborer, light on the way;
Grace for the trials, help from above,
Unfailing sympathy, undying love.

So this weekend my dad and I went down to Hendersonville to visit my grandmother. My uncle was there too - he had been on a business trip in Newark, NJ and took the weekend to fly down. I love getting together with my family. All we do is laugh. And I love hearing the stories of them growing up, and about my grandfather (he passed away 9 years ago). And of course the talk about cars. You can't be around my family and NOT hear about cars. I mean, my uncle has worked for Mazda for pretty much as long as I can remember, not to mention having his own business buying, fixing up and re-selling cars on the side. And my dad may not work for a car company, but he still knows everything about cars. So the conversation always somehow turns back to cars. It's still fun though, and it is kinda cool to learn about different types of cars and how they've changed over the years and so on and so forth.

Spending time with my Uncle John is really awesome. He's funny - my family always says he has two speeds: frantic and asleep. He even walks twice as fast as most people!! We sure did get a lot done around the house though. Trimmed the hedges, planted flowers, cleaned the walk and the driveway, re-lettered the mailbox, etc. He also knows a lot about wine, which is something that really interests me. So when we went out to dinner we talked about all different wines, and my dad had brought like 4 bottles with him that we tried and compared. And even with all that we did, we still spent a lot of time sitting and enjoying each other's company.

The most interesting night was last night though. Grandma Dot had a dinner party and had two of her best friends over - I've known them all my life as Aunt Mary and Uncle Ted. They all got to talking about the "old days" - especially back during WWII when Uncle Ted and Poppa Jack (my grandfather) were in the Navy. It's so fascinating to sit and listen to these stories. My dad jumped in a few times about his stint as a Marine too. It was just so cool. It was such a different time, and it really makes me stop and think about just how lucky I am to be brought up with all that I have. You know I always hated history class in school, but I think I could sit and listen to these men talk all day. I was so glad that I went down there.

Have you ever just felt like your life was totally spinning out of control, with nothing you can do to stop it? And just when you're finally getting a handle on things, something happens that makes it spin out of control again? I just had one of those days when I'm on the verge of tears all day long for absolutely no reason whatsoever. And my mother keeps asking me what's wrong and what she can do to help, and won't accept the fact that I DON'T KNOW! This is not something that I can control - it's something that happens on it's own, despite what's going on in my life. Luckily I got to have dinner with Maria and Leene, which was much fun. Laughter does seem to help keep the tears at bay, although there was a moment when I had to get up and walk away to take a few deep breaths. I just feel like my life is on super spin cycle, and every time it starts to slow down someone pops another quarter in. Am I ever going to be allowed to dry?

So my internet was down for like three weeks, all because I was too lazy to call the guy to fix it. When I could finally drive again I took it over to Best Buy, and they told me that it was going to cost $156 dollars to fix it, and they had to keep it for 7-10 days. 7-10 days my ass! I can't live without my computer for a week! All my stories are on here, my journal, etc. So I told them to forget it and finally called the Sprint guy, who got me hooked up again. So here I am!!

Anyways...life's been pretty normal. Normal for me, that is. Which means emotionally I'm all over the place - some days are awesome and some I spend bursting into tears for no reason whatsoever. Those days aren't much fun, but I'm doing my best to just survive them and enjoy the good days. I can drive again, which is a definite plus cause I can actually get out of the house instead of sitting around and watching SG-1 all day. Not that I mind watching SG-1, it's just nice to have some semblance of a life.

Other than that I spend most of my time writing fanfiction with Trisha (SG-1) and Mo (Power Rangers). Mo and I have pulled a few all-niters this month, which has been fun. I do love writing. I've also been attempting to continue updating the fic that I have on fanfiction.net - which I have on there for years and haven't finished. I've had a bit of writer's block, but I got some good advice in continuing it. So that's my life lately. Pretty boring, huh? Luckily I've got a few road trips ahead of me, so hopefully I'll have a little more exciting news next week. See ya!

Well, my dad and I drove the 9 hours from NC to Jersey today. I love hanging out with my dad and yelling at all the other drivers on the road, it makes for a fun drive. And now we're back in Jersey - land of Diners, Sabretts, Pork Roll, and lots of other good northern things. I can't wait to see my friends, and my family. It's gonna be so awesome. And I can't WAIT to get into the city and see all the lights and trees and everything else that goes along with Christmas in NYC!! Thank the Lord the strike is done with so we can get around on the subways. Hopefully Trish and I will get lucky and find affordable tickets to Rent - that would make my Christmas!! If not we'll just have fun walking around, looking at the lights and writing crazy stories. It'll be so awesome just to actually get spend some quality time with her!! And to get to hang out with Christian and Dana - I can't wait!!

I'm really hoping that since I'm gonna be here two weeks I can actually drive some. The drugs are supposed to wear off after a week. I miss driving!! It's gonna be so nice to actually be out of the hospital for two weeks!! I love Christmas!!

I feel better. Thank God. I'm so glad that the ECT today helped. Plus it felt sooooooo good to take a 3-hour nap. Plus, TGIF! I'm really looking forward to going to the Carolina Ale House for dinner tonight. And hopefully I'll get to see "King Kong" this weekend. It looks really good!

I am so, so, SO lucky to have Maureen. How many people can be completely understanding about something they know nothing about? Especially when I'm feeling so depressed that I really wish it were all over. Most people would freak out and rush me to a hospital. Not Mo. She just listens and accepts it. Sure, we've been raised in two very different worlds, and there are quite a few things that we disagree on. Yet she has totally made the effort and take the time to truly UNDERSTAND what it's like to live with depression, and to be suicidal. Not to mention indulging in...no, not just indulging in but CREATING my passion for writing fanfiction. I mean, sure I came up with short seaQuest and Newsie stories with Jess WAAAAAAAAAY back when, and I have Trish to write with as well. I can't WAIT to start our SG-1 story. I'm lucky to take part in their creativity. And I did begin Destiny's Call on my own, although the majority of it was written with Mo. But our stories have become something so amazing, and such a huge part of my life. In fact, I can honestly say that on more than one occasion they saved my life. I'm so blessed to have her. Thank you God, for giving me the best friend in the universe!!!

I am really glad that I have a support group to help me. I was really on the verge today. I was almost in tears by the time I got to DBT (that's the name of my support group - it stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). But after explaining my fears and confronting my emotions I felt so much better. I don't think it was so much their reactions as it was getting it all out into the open, especially into a group of people that I felt truly understood what I was feeling. I'm also really looking forward to Christmas when I get a chance to sit down and talk to Aunt Sue and Kim. They always have great advice that I really value.

I'm still scared. Really scared. I'm so unsure about what's going to happen in the future. What if the ECT doesn't work? Where do I go from there? I wish I could go back to Austen Riggs. That's the hospital that I was at in Mass. for six months. Unfortunately there's absolutely no way to afford it - those 6 months cost $100,000, and insurance doesn't pay for it. That's one thing that really pisses me off about this country. Why the hell does every decent medical treatment cost so much? Don't they understand that poor people get sick too? *sigh* Oh well. I suppose I should just stop wishing that. I'm lucky I got the time there that I did. I'll just have to make do with what I can afford!!

This isn't fair. I just want to go down on record as saying my life is not fair. I am so tired of dealing with hospitals and doctors and drugs and everything else that goes along with my life. I just want to go to school and get a job and not worry about all of the sh** that goes along with being me.

I know that I say all the time that I wouldn't change my life because of the person that it has made me into, and I still hold to that. I'm glad that my eyes have been opened to the side of life that being involved in the mental health field has shown me. But haven't I had enough already? I mean, spending years bouncing from doctor to doctor and hospital to hospital? For God's sake, I lived in a mental hospital for six months!! And now to be put in a position where I can't drink, can't drive...Enough!

I'm just so tired of having my life interrupted with this. The last thing I want to do is spend my entire life depending on other people to take care of me!! I want my own life! Please someone, just help me! Just let me live!!

Saw the movie version of RENT last night, and it was amazing. Not quite as amazing as the show, but pretty damn close. Seeing all the originals in their parts again was totally awesome, and the message was as powerful as ever. I want to congratulate Rosario Dawson on her fill-in as Mimi, she was truly incredible and a gift to the rest of the cast. I laughed, I sang, I cried - it was awesome.

Maybe I should take a moment here to point out that although I may not know what it is to have AIDS, the message of RENT still touches extremely close to my heart. With the life of unexpected twists and turns my battle with bipolar disorder had given me, I can totally empathize with Jonathan Larson's message. During "Another Day" I totally feel Mimi's confession of "I can't control my destiny. I trust my soul, my only goal is just to be." And I always lose it during "Will I Lose My Dignity." It speaks to me in unbelievable volumes, as it's a prayer that I have prayed many times in the darkest moments of my struggle. This is why RENT found a special place in my heart from the first time that I heard the soundtrack in 1998, why I have seen the show 11 times, and why it will become one of my favorite movies of all time.

I do want to make a few criticisms though, because there were a few omissions that really bothered me. This is not to say that I love the movie any less, but I think these things would have really given more power to the message.
1 - Maybe it was just me, but I didn't get the idea anywhere in the movie that April killed herself. In the show that's a HUGE contribution to Roger's character. It sIt is also stated in the show that Roger hasn't left the apartment in nearly a year - which makes it even more incredible that Mimi's influence gets him out.
2 - I missed the homeless people singing. Those little bits always make me chuckle.
3 - In the show Collins gets kicked out of the church cause he can't afford the funeral, and Benny offers to pay. (Collins: I think it's only fair to tell you, you just paid for the funeral of the person who killed your dog. Benny: I know, I always hated that dog.) It's kind of a redeeming note for Benny, and I missed it.
4 - Last thing, kind of silly - I missed the cute little exchange between Angel and Collins when they first get together. (Angel: I've been hearing violins all night. Collins: Anything having to do with me? Are we a thing? Angel: Darling, we're everything.) I always really liked that.

Anyway, don't get me wrong, I loved it. I can't wait to see it again. Hopefully I'll get the chance sometime this week!! Congrats to Chris Columbus and the cast - this is a movie that will go down in history as one of the great portrayals of the human condition!!

So I've lost count of the weeks that I've been going through ECT. I'm down to once or twice/week rather than three times, which is nice. And I've had two good days in a row for the first time in a long while, so that bodes well. On Friday I went to the Ale House with my parents and Toni and Raj. I didn't actually make it through dinner, I had to go back to the car and lie down, but I had a good time. And last night I went to see "March of the Penguins" with my parents at the cheap theatre. It was really cute. I hope today works out well too, I could really use for this good streak to keep on keepin' on!! Right now I'm still waking up, so we'll see.

I miss driving like crazy. I hate being dependent on my parents for transport. And I know that it's gonna be a while yet before I can get behind the wheel again, cause I can't drive until I've been off the anesthesia (don't know if that's the right spelling) for a week. So as long as I'm still getting weekly ECT treatments there's no driving for Katy!! I miss drinking too, but that's not so bad - I only have to wait a day after treatment for that. Which probably means I can have a glass of wine tonight - yay!!

Three days left until "Rent" comes out - I can't wait!! And not only do I get to see "Rent," but I get to hang out with three of my favorite girls - Maria, Trisha, and Leene!! Hopefully Maria will recruit some more from school too - going to see it with a huge group would be so much fun!! Plus I miss everyone down there like crazy! I can't wait until I can drive again when I can go and spend a weekend at SAPC. I so hope I can go back next semester. It's gonna suck if I have to add yet another semester before I graduate. I just want to graduate college by the time I have to go to my 10-yr. reunion! Is that really too much to ask? It shouldn't take 10 years to get through college!

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Your College Life by highfivejunkie
Username
What will you study?
Your Roomate	maryah
The Football Player	ghost_of_geist
The Cheerleader	fishybubbles
The Band Geek	selkiecassandra
Highly involved in their Frat/Sorority	fishybubbles
The Crazy Drunk	ghost_of_geist
The College Slut	maryah
Your Significant Other	selkiecassandra
The Creep that sneaks into girl's showers	selkiecassandra
Likeliness you'll graduate: 88%
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